I Can Finally See...

On my last post I mentioned how life seems to have come full circle since starting Calvin. Actually I mentioned how it was a strange circle and ended in the same manner as it started, doing Young life, but in a completely different place. Imagine a spiral where the line drawn creates a type of circle, but never completes itself. That's a bit of what I feel in regards to life right now.

Another analogy which may work is one of a line, not straight, but heading in a distinct direction. Along the way there are loops in the line; the beginning of the loop also being the end, but the end incorporating all that the beginning was missing and moving the line ahead after the loop in a new light. Hopefully that makes some sense. A drawing would be nice, but I have no clue how to get that into one of these posts.

I'm currently listening to a song by Owl City named Meteor Shower. A real simple song, only containing four lines of lyrics, but still very well done. In one of the lines the author comes to the realization that he can finally see that God has been right beside him this whole time; as if earlier the understanding of this was lost on him. And its how I'm beginning to feel with life right now.

Starting college I had this thought, or idea, that God was guiding me, in whatever way that means. I could see how the move from California and subsequent events after wards were leading me somewhere and along the way teaching me things about who I am, while testing the beliefs I held surrounding God, morals, and the "correct" way to live.

I lost that vision after the first year of college. There were times where I could catch a glimpse of some type of path (places like Spain and Washington) that I was walking on, but I never had that feeling of forward motion; at least forward motion in the positive sense. Throughout my four years I have found that the more I learn about the world around me, about people, and about myself, the harder it is to believe in a "conventional" God (the reason for the post right below the title of this whole blog). One who conforms to the parameters of scripture. Don't misunderstand me here, I do believe that scripture describes who God is, but only in brief. It would be like seeing a puddle and holding the opinion that you now know what the ocean is like. Just not possible.

The loop, or as it seemed at the time, the divergent path, I was on was apparently leading me away from God. The things I was learning in class, the people I was hanging out with, and the things I was saying, all seemed to be counter productive in that straight path which, I had been taught, lead to God. Yet, in an ironic twist of logic, through all theses new experiences I was actually being brought away and eventually back to God, but in a form which was and is completely different from where I started. I had to learn what it meant to be a Christian in more than just what one says and knows. Not only does it take actions, but it takes actions based on commitments and, during the good times, on feelings. It takes a type of love which surpasses something you can learn through knowledge. It takes a mentorship; someone to walk you through the experience and show you the way. I'm still working on that.

So now with these evolved (not new) beliefs I find myself back at Young Life. I again see Phatty face to face and discover that I am completely different from the kid he knew four years ago. And especially different from the one he new seven years ago when he recruited me into Young Life at a bowling outing. I, of course, still have more than my share of growing and learning to do, but it feels like I may finally be ready to take that next step on that path in a forward direction, instead of a spiral like loop.


I can finally see,
That you're right there beside me,
I am my not own,
For I have been made new
Please don't let me go,
I desperately need you
~Owl City