[ Why ]

My Honduran Pictures

2011-05-31T16:15:00.001-07:00

Picture numbero uno: Evin, a friend of mine down here, playing "clown" with some of the kids from the orphanage

Numbero dos: Joseph and I looking over one of the babies in the orphanage

The third: This is the little guy I talk about in my update who can't see. The dude was full of life...but unfortunately suffering pretty bad. We gave him what we could...and then discovered the clinic at the orphanage already had everything they needed to treat him. They just had to work up the motivation to do so.

Fourth and fifth: These are from one of our Life in Actions. The area was called The Territories (Los Territorios) and this was the first time I both handed out meds and helped with the dental clinic. The first picture is me handing out meds (obvio) and the second is of Humberta and Jarrison, the two clinic workers I'm usually with.

My Honduras

2011-05-17T09:49:00.000-07:00

I keep putting "my " before each of these posts because I was inspired by a TV show. It's not because I believe I own Honduras. So don't worry about a gringo take-over.

Anyway as to life in the 'most dangerous country in the world': it's good. I love being down here and helping. Spanish is starting to click (starting would be the key word there; I still have a monton more to learn than I know). The people are amazing, both here at Escalon and on each of the Vida en Accions I've been on. I mentioned to Guy that it's hard to grasp the extent of the poverty down here. Each time I'm in a mountain village I'm exhausted, my brain is fried, and I just don't have enough mental energy to fully understand what these people's life is like. Yet each time I find myself in these situations I understand just a bit more. And only with understanding comes empathy. Compassion can be there, and sympathy...but what these people need is empathy and a desire to see them out of their situation. So that's what I'm working on.

As to Escalon. The clinic here is busy as ever. We are in the middle of a flu outbreak here so I've been handing out Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen like its candy. Unfortunately for the students down here the gringo (me) doesn't want to give half the school an excuse to sit around and do nothing all day, so I'm still making them attend classes. They all sleep together each night anyway, so it's not as if the flu won't spread if I try and quarantine those who have it. No place to do so. Oh, and I forgot to mention, I'm currently running the clinic by myself without a translator. Makes for a very interesting day full of what seems like a continuous game of charades. Good stuff.

Well for those of you who are following this thank you. The more interesting of the previous posts is the one directly below this one, I promise.

Hope yall are having a wonderful time in the states. I'm gonna go ahead and give you an excuse to go out and eat a steak: it's for me. I've been craving one for about a week now...

My Honduran Thoughts

2011-05-12T07:49:00.000-07:00

“Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high; where knowledge is free; where the world has not been broken up into fragments by narrow domestic walls; into that heaven wake this [native] land.”

Heaven is an interesting way to describe a place on earth. And yet I believe that heaven is all around us. We have the chance of opening that door and peaking in; of discovering what it means to release a slight amount of heavenly influence into our surroundings. We are God's mechanism for brining the kingdom to earth.

The quote above was written by a Bengali poet named Tagore. He was Hindu. Not that the fact of his religious upbringing is rightly important, but it does add background. Reflected in his writings is his deep desire to see the Indian people woken up out of their uneducated naiveté. And the words "by narrow domestic walls" take on that much more meaning when they come from someone with a caste system upbringing. I didn’t have the privilege of knowing this man while he lived; much less being a close friend, someone who understood the motivations and deepest desires of who he was. But I do know someone who I believe would echo this man's words, maybe not for India precisely, but for Honduras.

17 years ago a man named Guy Henry took over a small piece of property in La Entrada, Honduras. Since that time he has changed what was once just a bible school into a thriving boarding school and orphanage. The atmosphere is reminiscent of a young life summer camp. Service is the life blood and God the brain of this whole project. Love from the staff, and primary from Guy and his close friends, is the electrical activity; sending messages from the brain through to the different organs of this living, breathing, and growing organization.

One such 'organ', if you will, is a program called Vida en Accion (Life in Action). At first glance the program seems like a normal outreach idea. Find the need of the communities, meet those needs, and continue doing so until they become reliant on your service. It is desperately the opposite. Each community Guy and his team of pastors finds is, of course, in desperate need of aid. But more than that they are in desperate need of education, of a sense of community, and a sense of deep seeded purpose. From those ideas, and ideas Mr. Henry has mentioned could only come from God, Plan Escalon and Vida en Accion formed. These plans have a longevity to them. The school here is populated by children from each of these communities. The children are given the tools to return to their communities, or to engage Honduras on a whole, in a way which breaks down narrow domestic walls, gives people the ability to hold their heads high and break through fear, and opens up channels for educating more and more people. They are the mechanism by which Honduras may be woken into that heaven. And the mechanism by which to waken Honduras his summed up in the phrase "leadership through service." Part of the curriculum here is teaching the kids the importance of hard work and the importance of giving back. Each student is required to go back to a community, one which is similar to the situation he or she was in before Escalon, and help out. Whether that means bringing in a bed, food, clothing, wheelchairs, or all of the above only hinges on the needs of the specific community. But one thing they do bring into these places is the message. Showing these people that there is a purpose to which they can align their life; and it will revolutionize their community.

Guy likes to use the word revolutionized. It seems appropriate, as there are things which take such a mental and physical toll on those fighting against them that calling them revolutionaries may even be slightly underscoring the toll they are taking. The government here is as corrupt as they come and the distinction between rich and poor as abrupt as can be found anywhere. The people in the poorest communities do not normally have much hope, but God brings them some, through the work of the students here at Escalon and the team Guy has formed to lead them. These people, both inside and outside of Escalon, are fighting against a systemic wrong. One which is bigger than them individually, and possibly even together...though it is my view that God works in the way we allow him as his hands and feet. And nothing is to big for him.

And since I have worked on forming that view new things have popped up around Honduras which make me consider the place Escalon has in the bigger picture of this country. Guy's passion is a bottom-up approach. Showing people a better way to live, educating them, and giving them a deep-seeded passion to actually follow the message; loving those around them because of their deep desire to join with God in healing and serving the world.

But there are other approaches to this idea of revolutionizing the nation. My friend Jill is working on a top-down approach. She works for the company AJS and has a passion for being a healing agent in Honduras. But her and AJS also work at a government level, attempting to transform the minds of those at the top of the pyramid; showing them a different way to live. One where greed isn't the fueling motivation, but a sense of justice.

And then there are numerous other stories of friends who are quietly but effectively working to change the lives of the people in the newly named "most dangerous country in the world." It seems to me that God does have a way of infiltrating a nation in small, but influential ways. And it seems like God himself, through the people who joyfully join with him in giving to the world, is attempting to change a nation. Attempting to waken a people into a heaven of his making.

In the words of more recent poet "all my life I've been waiting for; I've been praying for; for the people to say; that we don’t wanna fight no more; there will be no more war, and our children will play. "

"One Day"

My Vida en Accion 2

2011-04-30T09:08:00.001-07:00

Just some more pictures of the Vida en Accion trip. Few of the pictures are of the group handing out meds. And notice, the mountains used to be all jungle. Now they are completely deforested. Crazy.

My Vida en Accion

2011-04-30T08:59:00.001-07:00

This is the second 'Vida en Accion' I went on. Vida en Accion is the name of the 'program' TOLM created. Guy and some of the leaders here bring kids on trips up into the mountains. They carry in anything the community they are visiting needs. Many times that includes wheelchairs (made from a plastic chair and mountain bike tires) and beds, which you can see people carrying in the above pictures. While there they also provide dental and medical clinics, as well as pass out food, vitamins, deparasiting pills, and a ton more. These pictures are from the walk into the village. It was a 45 minute walk up a mountain side; absolutely beautiful.

My Pictures from Honduras 2

2011-04-23T08:35:00.000-07:00

First couple are of us ziplining through the mountains above some Mayan ruins (only slightly cool ;) ) the middle one is of Welvim a guy I've hung out with a bit here so far. We watched the Barcelona v Real game last weds together. And the final ones are of a bbq I went on with some of the guys from Escalon.

My Pictures from Honduras 1

2011-04-23T08:31:00.001-07:00

Just some pictures. I posted an update on Facebook and sent it out to some folks emails as well.

First couple are of the school. The next few are of the mountains during vida en accion. One of the ministries based out of TOLM.

My Honduran Adventure

2011-04-18T11:53:00.000-07:00

Hey all!

Well I'm officially in Honduras. I arrived yesterday night; the flights and all went smoothly. And just for emphasis with some of my friends who have horrible luck while traveling: I also received all my luggage promptly and on time. Hope you folks enjoy that ;).

The school I am staying at is called Plan Escalon. It is both a school and an orphanage and serves casi 600 estudiantes. The layout of the campus reminds me quite a bit of a summer camp back in the states. It is completely self-sustainable in the fact that it is more like a college campus, with dorms, a cafeteria, offices, classrooms, a basketball court and soccer fields. It also has a clinic which is where I will be helping out. The clinic serves the students and staff and isn't exactly huge. It is one room split by a curtain into an examination/drug room and an office. The paramedic/EMT/nurse who runs it is an guy by the name of Joseph. He has been doing it for 4 years now and does everything from passing basic drugs to minor surgeries. Very cool stuff.

I stay in a bunkhouse with a kitchen on the second floor. Currently I am staying alone, and will be for the majority of the trip, but on weds I will be sharing the bunkhouse with six men from another ministry in Honduras. That might be pretty interesting, seeing as my spanish todavia esta rusty. Yesterday I spoke spanish almost all day long; even making some friends with a few of the students at the school. I played soccer with a few of them as well. My verb and noun agreement is currently awful, but I can recognize when I do something wrong and begin to fix it, which is one step in the right direction.

Alright well Ive already spent more time on this computer than I meant to. Hope everyone is doing well back in the States and wherever else you are when you read this. Ill update again when I have more stories.

Nos Vemos

My Statement.

2010-11-08T12:32:00.001-08:00

In the second line of his song Here is our King, David Crowder writes “from wherever searching comes”. I recently began living with a group of guys. We’ve made it our purpose to live as an intentional community, meaning we want to be committed to being a part of each other’s lives and the life of our surrounding community. We want to intentionally pursue this idea of a Jesus lifestyle. The pursuit of this goal has led to multiple conversations about our lives. During my story, evolution naturally comes up. It was the catalyst of my anguish during college. I found myself believing evolution; a theory I had been told was a lie and it flipped my worldview on its head.

I met with a friend the other day. She is currently posing every possible question to God and flirting with: “if evolution can work sans God…then what reason do we have to believe in God?” We had a three hour conversation that Tuesday morning. It was refreshing, in that I recognized a part of me in her: the desire to constantly question. I saw in her the desire to search until satisfied; until the answer makes sense. But I also saw the confusion those questions bring forth. Why would God place things in creation to discredit his existence? Even more pointedly, why should I be able to recognize such things?

Those questions made that mid-morning conversation refreshing, yes, but also frustrating. It was frustrating because I still struggle when it comes to the answers. Even with some of the most basic questions like “how do we reconcile the necessity of death in regards to evolution with the idea that death is a punishment according to Christianity”, give me answers with which I struggle. Yet the more I discuss and learn about the mechanisms of this world the more I see beauty behind its structures. And as Miche continued to ask questions I started to see something. I began to realize that the more I see surrounding the certainty of evolution the more I begin to question the validity of what I have been taught about religion. The one truth I cannot get beyond is the sovereignty of God and his desire to be in a relationship with his creation. Not just with us. That and God rarely outright reveals himself. In fact, it seems as if he relishes placing his creation in a place of skeptical belief; giving us just enough to either see him in creation or discredit him through creation. Therefore, if logic holds (hopefully it does), then God must be hinted at in the laws behind the universe. Just as a crafter is hinted at when one looks at a table. But to prove or disprove him based on creation is impossible. He is not creation, just as a steel table is only remotely related to its organic creator.

The questions I still have, those which find religion contesting against science, are arbitrary. I don’t worship religion, and I won’t sell my life to theology. Science, although not 100% accurate all the time, still answers related questions in a more concrete way than an 8000 year old multicultural legend. My view is this: God created everything we can study, and in it he placed laws which, with or without direct measurable intervention from him, will continue to create. New bacteria, new plants, new animals, new planets and new solar systems, and even an ever expanding universe, are happening because God wants them to, yes, but these new creations happen through laws which, by themselves, create. This ambiguity, laws which create by themselves but possibly through the will of a creator, places us in a unique position. It allows us to point towards a creator, using concrete ideas found in science, but it also allows others to point towards a self-sustaining system; keeping the idea of God, yet again, open to interpretation. Something he seems to enjoy just a bit too much.

David Crowder continues the line of thought he began at the beginning of this essay with “…the look itself, a trace of what we’re looking for”. God wants us to search. He wants us to ask the hard questions; otherwise why would they be there (well, that is assuming God is real)? Those questions, so far, have not given me any reason to disavow my belief in God and I doubt they will. I believe God relishes the complexity, beauty, and at times inefficiency of what he created. He sees it as a wonderful expression of who he is. Maybe we should too?

Magical Music

2010-09-09T12:00:00.000-07:00

I’ve been reading this series of books. Its about magic, kingdoms, strange creatures from other dimensions, swords, shields, and crazy rifts in time and space; really anything a 13 year old mind trapped in a 23 year old body absolutely loves. The interesting and thought provoking part about this series is the way magic is portrayed. According to the author magic is nothing but the manipulation of the energy surrounding us. He calls this energy “stuff”, which is a real articulate name for something even we have yet to define (we actually call it higgs boson, but it has yet to be experimentally proven).

A few weeks ago I was sitting at a concert and began to think about this series. Don’t ask me why a book series popped into my head while listening to folk music, maybe it was the beer, maybe the relaxation, who knows. Either way I began thinking about magic.

As the musicians played I began considering how each pluck of the string is a unique way to manipulate the sound reaching our ears. And sound is an energy wave; a manipulation of some medium which, when coming in contact with three bones in our inner ear vibrates the molecules making up those bones. That vibration in turn vibrates a thin membrane and the initial energy wave is finally translated into an electrical signal. That signal travels to the brain and we “hear” sound. So I imagined each musician engaging in the manipulation of the surrounding air and invisible shapes taking hold; the beautiful tapestry of shapes traveling to my ear and giving me the intense pleasure of hearing a passionate harmony of instruments. The idea here is interestingly similar to the idea behind the definition of magic in these books.

Before the invention of the radio, and subsequently the TV, computer, mp3 player, iPod, etc music had a mystical quality to it. The musician was someone whom others looked at in awe, and in ancient times many of the musicians were given the responsibility of remembering the history of a people. Music had the ability to manipulate not only the surrounding medium, but more importantly the emotions of the surrounding listeners: hence the mystical quality.

Music still has this emotionally manipulative ability, but as I see it we’ve become a culture so saturated in music that unless a song speaks strongly enough it isn’t heard. And without being heard it has no ability to manipulate.

So maybe magic isn’t the Merlinesk explosions of lightening decimating large armies attacking Camelot but rather the subtle strumming of a master guitar player. And maybe we’ve become so used to this that it no longer is considered magic, but something mundane. But it still carries with it the ability to manipulate our emotions in a singularly unique way.

We need but to let it do so.

Scuba, Young Life, Caribbean...and being Lazy?

2010-07-13T08:46:00.000-07:00

I love to relax. I have this picture in my mind of being out in the Caribbean. It’s a beautiful day, the sun is out and there is that picturesque cloud cover; big puffy clouds providing the perfect amount of shade at crucial moments of the day. And I’m sailing with friends. On the back of the boat we have scuba equipment but for now we’re all content to sit in the sun, on the boat, in the turquoise water, surrounded by small green islands and enjoy each other’s company.

The flip side of that picture is that I struggle with laziness. Not all the time, but lots of the time. The temptation usually comes around after I accomplish something. Instead of enjoying the accomplishment and moving on I find myself “taking a break”. Usually it begins with the idea of a week off. That week turns into a couple weeks and before I realize it has been three months and I find myself staring at the TV wondering why I am so depressed.

I believe we are created to enjoy relaxation, but, as with everything else, relaxation can quickly be tainted with our love for excess and transform into laziness. I ran across a blog yesterday which reminded me that we are “hard-wired to create”. Laziness is a failure to engage that innate pull towards the creation of something unique. It leads us towards complacency.

Complacency is not rewarding. In fact, for me, it leads to disintegration of self-esteem. I see myself as worthless in the world. Someone who is reaping all the benefits of the position I have been born into but giving nothing back.

A spoiled brat.

Nine weeks ago I woke up and headed to a testing center on Burton Rd in Grand Rapids, MI. It was nice out, one of those cool, clear mornings where normally I would have wanted nothing more than to grab a cup of coffee and sit down to write or read. This morning wasn’t going to allow that. Instead I headed out and at 7:30 sat down to take the MCAT. For five hours I struggled, swore, and slaved over the test. Finally I was done. My decision to take one of my “breaks” was made before I entered the testing room. “Once this test is over” I thought “I’m going to let myself relax”.

Up until three weeks ago that’s exactly what I did. For six weeks I sat around and “relaxed”. What I discovered was that a) addiction to TV is a whole lot less exciting than it sounds and b) I was a lot happier studying up to 6 hours a day.

While studying I was able to create. I could make connections between subjects, come up with random ideas, and engage my mind in new ways every day. My time of relaxation dulled my brain and ruined my creative streak. It placed me in a 20 meter deep hole on the beach. I had a ladder, something to help me climb out, but instead of put forth the effort I sat down and turned my back. I was content to sit in the mud and make mud pies while the ocean was beckoning 20 feet above me. (Thank you CS Lewis)

Three weeks ago I went to a Young Life camp as a counselor. The time at camp was the “relaxation” I needed. It broke the spell of complacency I had put on myself and reinvigorated my desire to be influential. It gave me the energy to get up, turn around, and climb that ladder. What I found was that the ocean is a whole lot better than mud pies.

And ironically the trip was anything but relaxing. It was tiring, frustrating at times, but extremely rewarding at others. I spent a week with some pretty legit high schoolers and discovered that while I was relaxing, I was also rediscovering my love of relationships, of sailing, tubing, zip lining, and loving on people.

Since being back I have talked with numerous people about volunteering overseas, about writing books, and about doing something here in Grand Rapids that is of lasting impact. I’ve come up with insane ideas that excite me and push my mind into new areas. I’ve found my creative writing streak again and my passion for medicine and relief work has returned. As has my confidence.

So yes, I long to be on that boat in the Caribbean enjoying the weather, the diving, and the company of my friends. But I want that to be true relaxation, the rediscovery of things I am passionate about, not a continuation of laziness. I want to be there, smiling, looking up at the sky, under the realization that when I return I have things of meaning waiting for me. I have new, exotic, crazy ideas to pursue, people to love on, and lives to change…instead of a few TV shows to catch up on.

Lamentation

2010-05-06T08:49:00.000-07:00

"...and he saw how a lamentation could become a hymn."~Lamentation by Ken Scholes

Kinda feels like thats what our call is doesn't it? Let's make this lamentation in which we find ourselves into a hymn.

My Essay

2010-04-15T11:48:00.000-07:00

Just for the heck of it. Maybe I'll get some interesting responses.

Throughout history humanity has sought one thing: knowledge. The pursuit of these elusive ideas has spanned time between people as distant as Plato and Einstein. During this span two main camps have emerged surrounding the avenue for the pursuit of knowledge. One camp believes that, above all else, knowledge is worth obtaining. The second camp would beg to disagree.

During WWII many different types of people were taken to concentration camps. These camps were places where people were forced into manual labor, starved, and even experimented upon. Those experiments often took the lives of the unwilling prisoners, their bodies discarded in mass graves to make room for the next batch of participants. The second group of people, those who disagree with the idea that knowledge is worth obtaining no matter the cost, find the foundation for their belief in stories such as the above. Knowledge is not worth obtaining when it is the cause of someone’s unwanted death.

Ethics, then, is the determinant between when the pursuit of knowledge is good, and when it turns humanity into a self-destructive species. The questions one should ask, before starting on the path towards a new discovery, surround those who will be involved in the process. Can one predict a participant being hurt during the course of an experiment? Will the experiment end in death? Or even on a less intense level, will the experiment lead to foreseeable, but unwanted, struggles for any person part of the process? If the answer to any of those questions is yes then perhaps a different avenue to the discovery of this new idea is in order.

Knowledge is a worthy goal. But the path taken to obtain that goal must be without reproach. As history has shown there are examples of groups who, through the torture of others, have learned new things about our world. Yet those groups are looked at with distain by most of society. Those who look at the former with distain see the only knowledge worth pursuing as that obtained through ethical means.

I wrote that in 30 minutes off the prompt: The pursuit of knowledge is always justified.

A few Interesting Things

2009-12-02T06:20:00.000-08:00

Just as a reference, everything I am about to talk about and consider came from the book "Phantoms in the Brain" by VS Ramachandran a MD and PhD in neuroscience out of UCSD.

I could make you think that the table in front of you (or chair or couch or lamp or...well you get the idea) is an actual part of your body. In fact, this isn't some sort of innate ability I only possess but something anyone can do. The experiment needs two people, some type of object to which you are going to project a persons body image (the table, chair, another persons arm, etc), some type of divider to prevent the two people from seeing each other, and at least one of the two has to have a good sense of rhythm. For ease of writing I'm going to assume that what you use is a table. Place the divider in the center of the table (it can be as easy a blanket between the two people). Have the person who is going to experience the table become like a part of their body place a hand below the table. The second person will then push one hand through the divider and the other below the table. That second person then begins to tap or brush the first's hand and thetable in synchrony. Now the synchronous part of this experiment is key, if the taps and brushes are not in synchrony against the table and the hand the experiment wont work. If you both are lucky (this only works with maybe 50% of the people its done on) after about a minute the first person will begin to feel as if the tabs and brushes are arising from their own body, even through their logical mind knows this is completely bogus.

This same idea was experimentally used to project a person's consciousness outside of their body, essentially to give them an experimentally induced out of body experience. http://www.sciencemag.org/cgi/content/full/317/5841/1048 (specifically the paragraph after the image)

It can also be done to completely place one persons sense of being into another person's body, all through visual stimulus.

This has some interesting implications, but before we get to that there's another extension off of this idea which will allow us to better engage the implications I will bring up later. This idea of being able to project ones body image onto inanimate objects (or even objects outside of your own body) is pretty radical. But when you think about it a bit more, its not all that crazy. Everyone has something which they incorporate into their extended body image. Whatever that object is, its something which they become infuriated about if it is hurt, dented, or otherwise damaged. Yet to say that the object is part of their actual body might be a stretch for lots of people. So Ramachandran set out to experimentally test this "extended body image as part of your own body image" idea. In order to do that he hooked up patients to a machine called a GSR (galvanic skin response) which measures skin resistance; just a fancy way of saying it measures your response to a visual stimulus which threatens your body, such as a heavy rock being held above your foot. The GSR is tied with your body's sympathetic reaction to dangerous or threatening situations. So, theoretically, if someone were to threaten an object which you consider to be part of your body image, say your car, then there should be a readable GSR to that threat.

Ok, so the experiment. Ramachandra took a few patients, and in a somewhat unethical manner, preformed the table experiment on them. When they had begun to feel the table as part of their body he took his fist and slammed it against the table. Every patient experienced a significant GSR.

So now onto the implications. And all I want are responses to this quote I write out because this post is long enough already. Here's what Ramachandran speculates about the meaning behind these phenomena:

"...If this argument is correct, then perhaps it's not all that silly to ask whether you identify with your car. Just punch it to see whether your GSR changes. Indeed the technique may give us a handle on elusive psychological phenomena such as the empathy and love that you feel for a child or spouse. If you are deeply in love with someone, is it possible tot you have actually become part of that person? Perhaps your souls--and not merely your bodies--have become intertwined" (Phantoms in the Brain pg 61 bolding added)

Interesting idea...

Clear and Hazy

2009-10-12T07:38:00.001-07:00

I was at the Grand Canyon about seven years ago. It was my first time there, with my family, and it was in the middle of December. We were on our way to Michigan from California, moving back from our 4 year hiatus over in Sacramento. My parents thought it would be a good idea to take a couple weeks to travel through the national parks between MI and CA; mainly those surrounding the four corners of Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona, and Utah.
So we found ourselves, on a cold, crisp December morning, with snow falling all around us, standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon. We were surrounded by clouds and trying to figure out what the big deal was with this national monument. We were attempting to understand this because the clouds had filled in the canyon, along with the entire area around us, and reduced the magnificence of the monument to white, puffy, nothingness. But this white nothingness was, in the end, what made this specific trip unique.
As we walked along the edge of the canyon we began talking, not about anything specific but just small family talk. As we were doing this I was looking over the edge, trying to see this "canyon" which was apparently right next to me. And then the clouds opened up. Just a small opening, but enough for me to catch a glimpse of the vastness of the canyon. It was incredible.

Four years later I found myself back at the Grand Canyon. This time I was there with friends during the summer. It was a hot and clear day; polar opposite from my previous visit. It was also the first time I saw the Grand Canyon in all its glory...and it looked like a postcard. It was like my mind couldn't wrap itself around how large the canyon was, so it just fell back on an understandable object: a postcard. The canyon looked 2-D. It was weird.

I think sometimes this is why God only gives us glimpses of where we're going in life. Like he did for me a few weeks ago. Once we get that glimpse, that view of how epic things could be, he takes it away.

Because we won't understand the full picture.

And only a view gives us a hope of what could be; it spurs us on to take risks we may have not taken otherwise.

I think that's what has happened in my life. A glimpse followed by a hazing over of the path that could be mine. What's frustrating me now is the roadblock I'm coming across in getting to that place I glimpsed.

We'll see what happens.

Rain

2009-09-28T07:51:00.000-07:00

Half asleep. Rain pounds the ground outside a window in front of me. The song Forever Young. Seattle. San Fransisco. Research. Life. Relationships.

Dark sky. Rain drops hitting the ground and splitting according to specific laws. Physics.

Forever Young. Endless possibilities. Unquenchable curiosity. Biology. Protein interactions in formins. Rain. Outside. Fun. Thunderstorms.

Music. Flowing. Remembering experiences. Spain. Morocco. Fez. Hotels. Friends. Tapas. Siesta. Cafe con Leche. Ronda. Grazalema. El Camino. Forever Young.

Thunderstorms on the ocean. Lightning. Bahamas. Scuba. Family. Hope Town. Scrubs :). Medicine. Marine Biology. Science. Forever Young.

The present. Friends. Playing in the rain. Young Life. God. Complexities of the world.....Forever....

Something Good

2009-09-20T14:12:00.000-07:00

I was just at a young life leader weekend. As always we talked about community, what it means to accept others, beyond their failings, and what it means to show kids the life Jesus came to show to us. Finishing that weekend off I read something from Velvet Elvis written by Rob Bell. It begins to identify what I believe the starting points of a "Christian" community should be. So here's the quote:

"...To begin, Christians are people learning who they are in Christ. We are being taught about our new identity. Do you see how deeply this new identity affects the life of a community? I heard a teacher say that if people were taught more about who they are, they wouldn't have to be told what to do. It would come naturally. when we see religious communities spending most of their time trying to convince people not to sin, we are seeing a community that has missed the point. The point isn't sin management. The point is who we are now."

I think that's what attracted me to Young Life in the first place. The idea that we accept people for who they are when we meet them, not who we think they could become. We walk with them, and through our interactions with our community, we show others around us what it means to be a "little Christ".

Oh and another good metaphor for the distinction between trying to sell Christianity vs just showing it to people and letting what they see speak for itself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPKtBM99kAc&feature=player_embedded
vs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jdsmh6gBB9Q&feature=related

which one would you rather display...or more to the point, which one would you rather others observed from you?

Commendable

2009-09-13T12:43:00.000-07:00

The past five years have been a thunderstorm of microbiology, botany, zoology, and medicinal biology. Naturally (yes, pun intended) a constant stream through this storm has been evolution. Being taught about evolution, and how integral it is to our understanding of the natural world, has caused me to come face to face with the things I was taught at Victory Christian. Like most conservative, fundamentalist, Christian institutions the school considered evolution a doctrine brought forth from the seventh circle of hell itself...or something as equally ridiculous. Unfortunately I bought into the whole fire and Dante's inferno view of evolution, so coming to Calvin, and being taught evolution from an open minded and analytical perspective, was not only an unexpected breath of fresh air but also like meeting a brick wall while going 70 down the highway. It completely took me by surprise. (These people at Victory were antievolutionists, and anything directed against "creationism" on this blog is most likely directed against them. See Todd Woods blog for a break down of what it means to be a creationist vs an antievolutionist http://toddcwood.blogspot.com/2009/09/from-library-rastus-agustus-explains.html)

Over time the initial shock of believing I was going to go to hell because I believed in evolution wore off and I began to work on how evolution can fit into a Christian worldview. Granted this does mean a few "doctrines" must be called into question. Things such as the inerrant nature of the bible for example...although the bible itself seems to debunk that idea within the first three chapters of Genesis...but beyond that...

A few days ago I was talking with a friend. We were discussing evolution and the different viewpoints held by Christians. Everything from holding strong to what the Bible says (fundamentalist) to where we both found ourselves: taking the bible in context of the religious and cultural traditions in which it was written. As we talked my friend mentioned that he commended the people who are able to resist the influence of science, or of outside influence, and hold fast to their beliefs about the inerrant nature of the bible. He commented that to be able to do that took guts and a type of fortitude in defending your beliefs that he couldn't imagine possessing. At first I agreed with him. Yeah, these people have an incredible faith in what they believe, especially to undergo such scrutiny, and even types of persecution, for holding fast to what they believe. But on second thought, commending them for what they are doing is not where my reaction should lie. Rather, it seems, commendation should be with-held for the types of people who try and reconcile their faith with the findings of science. In fact, I think that these types of engagements with both the beliefs they hold, and the apparent contradictions which science presents to those beliefs, takes more faith than blindly ignoring certain facts and specific theories because what the represent threatens what you consider truth. As a mentor of mine states "This makes me mad. No matter what you think of the age of the earth or the need for creation miracles, you should be upset by Christians who mangle science to serve apologetic ends."-The Quintessence of Dust (www.sfmatheson.blogspot.com)

I was sitting at a Calvin vs Wheaton soccer game the other day with my buddy Derek. He and I have know each other for years, nearly since birth. It was a gorgeous day outside, barely a cloud above us and the sky that baby blue which tapers into a darker blue as you scan from the ground further into the sky. Behind us was a family. One of the kids was asking the dad about something, I'm not entirely sure what it was, and every time the dad answered the kid countered with the question "why?". I'm sure the majority of the people who will read this blog have had the same experience. Kids are endlessly curious, always wanting to know the reason behind something. I began to think of this idea a bit more in depth. In Matthew 18 it discusses how having faith like a child is essential to following Christ. It seems to me that faith like a child, as I see it, does not mean believing things just because they are told to you by someone older. It means always asking why and keeping an open mind in regards to the answers you find. That, to me, is commendable.

I Can Finally See...

2009-09-13T10:48:00.000-07:00

On my last post I mentioned how life seems to have come full circle since starting Calvin. Actually I mentioned how it was a strange circle and ended in the same manner as it started, doing Young life, but in a completely different place. Imagine a spiral where the line drawn creates a type of circle, but never completes itself. That's a bit of what I feel in regards to life right now.

Another analogy which may work is one of a line, not straight, but heading in a distinct direction. Along the way there are loops in the line; the beginning of the loop also being the end, but the end incorporating all that the beginning was missing and moving the line ahead after the loop in a new light. Hopefully that makes some sense. A drawing would be nice, but I have no clue how to get that into one of these posts.

I'm currently listening to a song by Owl City named Meteor Shower. A real simple song, only containing four lines of lyrics, but still very well done. In one of the lines the author comes to the realization that he can finally see that God has been right beside him this whole time; as if earlier the understanding of this was lost on him. And its how I'm beginning to feel with life right now.

Starting college I had this thought, or idea, that God was guiding me, in whatever way that means. I could see how the move from California and subsequent events after wards were leading me somewhere and along the way teaching me things about who I am, while testing the beliefs I held surrounding God, morals, and the "correct" way to live.

I lost that vision after the first year of college. There were times where I could catch a glimpse of some type of path (places like Spain and Washington) that I was walking on, but I never had that feeling of forward motion; at least forward motion in the positive sense. Throughout my four years I have found that the more I learn about the world around me, about people, and about myself, the harder it is to believe in a "conventional" God (the reason for the post right below the title of this whole blog). One who conforms to the parameters of scripture. Don't misunderstand me here, I do believe that scripture describes who God is, but only in brief. It would be like seeing a puddle and holding the opinion that you now know what the ocean is like. Just not possible.

The loop, or as it seemed at the time, the divergent path, I was on was apparently leading me away from God. The things I was learning in class, the people I was hanging out with, and the things I was saying, all seemed to be counter productive in that straight path which, I had been taught, lead to God. Yet, in an ironic twist of logic, through all theses new experiences I was actually being brought away and eventually back to God, but in a form which was and is completely different from where I started. I had to learn what it meant to be a Christian in more than just what one says and knows. Not only does it take actions, but it takes actions based on commitments and, during the good times, on feelings. It takes a type of love which surpasses something you can learn through knowledge. It takes a mentorship; someone to walk you through the experience and show you the way. I'm still working on that.

So now with these evolved (not new) beliefs I find myself back at Young Life. I again see Phatty face to face and discover that I am completely different from the kid he knew four years ago. And especially different from the one he new seven years ago when he recruited me into Young Life at a bowling outing. I, of course, still have more than my share of growing and learning to do, but it feels like I may finally be ready to take that next step on that path in a forward direction, instead of a spiral like loop.

I can finally see,
That you're right there beside me,
I am my not own,
For I have been made new
Please don't let me go,
I desperately need you
~Owl City

A New Beginning

2009-09-09T21:10:00.000-07:00

"They agreed they were in this for good, completely together in prayer..."

Tonight was the first night of Young Life for this year. About 4 years ago I quit young life because of time constraints. College was starting, I was working, and, to be completely honest, I wanted to make friends more than I wanted to lead a bunch of high schoolers. Looking back I can see that there was more at work than only my desires to move on from high school. I needed to grow, and the only way to do that was to find who I was, apart from my old life in high school.

And that is exactly what I did over the last few years. The ways in which I have changed are more numerous than I can get into on a blog; more appropriate for a cup of coffee or a beer and some quality conversation. But everything I've experienced in the previous four years has brought me back here; making a sort of odd circle back to where I started. Yet that place where I started is completely different, making it a new beginning of sorts.

Sitting in on the meeting tonight reminded me of what it was like to be part of a community of believers who are fun, honest, energetic, and completely devoted to following Jesus. People who accept their humanity as beautiful and part of a bigger picture. A story of how Dad is working to recreate and to restore a beautiful universe he created. And then reading that small section from Acts which I began this post with felt appropriate, especially after the prayer used to end the meeting.

And yet nothing this good comes easily. Two days ago I received new hours from the hospital which directly conflict with my ability to attend club. There is no possible way I can be a leader with out attending club, but the management at spectrum are not the easiest people to work with. That being said there is a small chance I can return to my every weekend post, and if young life is meant to work out I don't think switching back should be a problem. We'll see though, as I said negotiating with the managers over hours is never something which works out well in the end. Here's to hoping and praying that this is the exception. :-P

My Finale

2009-05-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

Stories have an incredible power to display aspects of life which can not be shown any other way. They uniquely describe the ideas they are built on by pulling at emotions and “shared” past experiences between characters and audience. Their ability to work multiple themes into one overall motif allows for multiple interpretations which give so many different faces to one specific story. And a story is the reason for this post.

Scrubs was on tonight. And for those of you who do not know what Scrubs is my best advice is…well…go watch it. But in case you don’t want to do that here’s a quick synopsis. Scrubs is a TV show which deals with the lives of four doctors, their families, and their lives in the hospital Sacred Heart. It’s a sitcom but unlike most the writers blend both comedy and drama nearly seamlessly. That blending is the aspect which caused me to fall in love with the show. Anything that can make me both laugh hysterically and sit contemplating life situations all within a half hour is worth watching; at least in my opinion.

So tonight was the last episode of this show. Watching it, and hearing what J.D. had to say about the future, about how it is still his to mold and how the past will always influence what he wants the future to look like, began me considering what I want to see in my future. But that only happened after I thought back on the year and a half that I have been watching Scrubs. Weirdly enough it has been a huge “staple” during that time. The show has been a way for me to wind down after a long day, something to have on when its raining outside, or a trigger for certain memories over the last year. So the last episode sparked something in me; a type of nostalgia.

Much of what was said tonight on the show resonated with my experiences of change. I specifically remember leaving California and how it was the most significant thing which was happening in my life at that time. Yet for the lives of everyone around me it was just another day. Sure I got cards and good-byes but for them it was a small change in the over all aspect of their lives. For me it was a complete life change. And Dr. Cox sums that feeling up perfectly when he states “"I'm real sorry there, newbie. But this is not a special day for me. It's just a day."

But more than that, when I first saw Scrubs it reignited a flame which I had long thought had been put out. It reawakened my interest in medicine, in wanting to be a doctor. The show acted as a catalyst which pushed me to where I am now. It pushed me to realize that my true interest does not actually lie in sustainable energy, in ecosystems, or even in environmental medicine/public health. It lies in medicine and the practice thereof. But to admit that also ties me down to one specific path which opens up the possibility of failure, something that I am not good at accepting or dealing with. So in a way Scrubs both acted as a catalyst for me rediscovering a dream of mine, as well as a catalyst for me actually admitting that dream and committing to a course which, hopefully, will bring me there.

So much more could be said about the things Scrubs brings to mind when I watch. And those things hopefully will be said at some point in my life, either here or in a journal. But I wanted to jot a few things down here, real quick, just as a ode to a show which has, strangely enough, meant quite a bit in my life. So thanks Scrubs and everyone involved for an amazing show (word keeps telling me that this sentence is a fragment and just to spite it I’m gonna keep it that way…also with all this on the end it no longer classifies as a fragment). Keep up the good work.

Breathe

2008-10-28T17:54:00.000-07:00

Yod, Hey, Vav, Hey...

One More

2008-09-27T17:55:00.000-07:00

You know a book is good when it speaks some old truth in a huge new way every time you read it:

"The writer of Genesis makes it clear that in all of creation there is something different about humans. They aren't God, and they aren't going to become God, but in some distinct, intentional way, something of God has been placed in them. We reflect what God is like and who God is. A divine spark resides in every single human being.

Everybody, everywhere. Bearers of the divine image."

And then the authors commentary in the back of the book continues the thought with this story:

"Recently I saw my friend Josh, who teaches fifth and sixth graders. He was preparing the lesson for that day and had hsi supplies with him: a large glass bowl, a can of beef, fatty tissue, sauerkraut, a jar of olives, some anchovies, and a hundred-dollar bill. I know- I was curious too. So i did exactly what you would have done. I asked him what his lesson was about. He replied, 'I put all of the ingredients in a bowl, including the money, and then I mix it together. Then when it doesn't taste good, I pretend I'm going to throw it away. At this point the kids go crazy, telling me not to. I ask them why I shouldn't, and they say, 'Because it's valuable.' And then I counter with, 'But it smells and it's disgusting.' At which point they rush to the front, volunteering to reach into the bowl and pull out the hundred-dollar bill. Actually, I may have to start using a twenty for this lesson, becuase the last time I used a hundred, they trampled each other to get to the front. I then read to them from Genesis chapter one about how every single human being bears the image of God and how no matter what else is mixed there, a person still has limitless worth in God's eyes."

I want to meet Josh.

Just Something To Think About

2008-09-25T20:04:00.000-07:00

Bit long, but this is a quote from a book I just started for the second time....saying anything more might take away from what I'm gonna quote. So here it is:

"If we were to go through your garage or storage shelves or sock drawer, I guarantee we would find the strangest things. I have a trophy from when I was fourteen. The little man on the top fell off sometime in the '90's, the lettering that says what it's for has faded, and the years have revelaed that, shockingly, that isn't real marble. but I've kept it. I haven't thrown it away because it's more than a trophy to me. That trophy is the first time I actually won something on my own. It represents a certain period of my life and the struggles of being fourteen and finding my identity and wondering if I'd ever be good at anything.

It's a trophy, but it's more than a trophy.

Jewelry, pictures, sculptures made by children, antiques that have been in the family for years, art projects, souvenirs, velvet paintings- we hold on to them because they point beyond themselves. If we were to ask you about a certain picture and why you have it displayed in such a prominent place in your home or office or why you carry it in your purse or wallet everywhere you go, you'd probably respond by tlaking about the people in the picture, where it was taken, when it was taken. But that would only be the start. Those relationships and tha tplace and that time are all about somethign else, something more. If we kept exploring, you'd probably end up using words like trust and love and belonging and commitment and celebration.

So it's a picture, but it's more than a picture.

The physical thing - this picture, rophy, artifact, gift - is actually about that relationship, that truth, that reality, that moment in time.

This is actually about that.

For me its a simple 10 peso bill from the Dominican Republic. I was given that bill during my first trip down the Carribean to visit my family down there. During that time I helped repair a house by the church we were building.

By myself.

When I was 6.

That day I was supposedly helping the guys build this church. But like any other kid I had found some friends to hang out with. They were native Dominicans, really cool people...at least from what I could tell. I didn't exactly speak spanish when I was 6. And they didn't exactly speak English. But through hand signals we had found a way to communicate what we wanted and eventually that lead me over to one of the house's along the same street as the church. As I walked up to the house I began to realize that instead of an actual solid wall surrounding the door in front of us there was a wall with huge gaps between the boards.

I could see straight into the house...which kind of negates the reason for a door.

But instead of ignoring the man-sized gaps in the wall I decided to run back to the work site and pick up some of the extra lumber to drag over to the house (imagine a 6 year old trying to drag a 2 by 4 30 feet across/down a road). No one seemed to notice...until I felt the other end of the board lighten. I looked behind me and there was the kid I was hanging out with, helping me carry this board over to the house. So with this 2 by 4 I started connecting the existing boards in the wall to close the gaps. Then the kid with me caught on and started handing me nails. And then his dad came out and started helping out as well.

We eventually gave up the project. Unfortunately the three of us couldn't fix up the entire house. But still, it was the first time I helped someone out just because I thought I should.

I've loved doing so ever since.

So there's my "this is actually about that" story.

Whats yours?

My Fight

2008-08-29T19:27:00.000-07:00

For some reason my whole College experience has been one fight against belief in God. Or more specifically belief in religion. Yet that fight. The one against religion has lead to a serious questioning of the existence of a higher power, a divine being, Elyon. I have accepted things that make traditional christian belief absolutely impossible. Ideas such as evolution, natural selection, and modern genetics. All these point more and more towards a random and chaotic existence. Humans being but a blip on the radar of the natural universe...

But then something brings me back.

I can't explain what it is. Mere words can not begin to capture the essence that brings me back. Concepts such as love, forgiveness, caring, community and more all begin to form a rough puzzle of what I feel grabs at me every time I try to rid myself of my fundamental belief in what God has done. But story seems to capture it best. Something as fundamental as memories creates a picture out of the jigsaw pieces in my mind...

Light comes in through the window of the bridge between the Emergency Room and the main hospital one morning while I am moving patients from one point to another. The halls are lined with detailed paintings of the American West. In one a group of Native Americans walk through a snow covered alpine forest. Green from the trees just barely poking through the layers of snow. But this painting isn't one of hope. Behind the Natives follow a pack of wolves. With a closer look one might even be able to see the desperation painted on the faces of each character. One, in fact, is carrying a friend with him on the back of his horse. Some unknown malady has hit the man and he is dead but for his friends...

But none of this catches my attention. I've been down this hall hundreds of times. I'm bored with the repetition. Then I see something that causes me to come back down to earth out of my daydreaming. A girl with her mother. The light catches them both just right so their skin seems to glow. The white walls of the hallway only accentuate this feeling. But it wasn't the light that first caught my attention, it was the pink surgical mask over the girl. Her hair had fallen out as well. She had cancer. One of her chemotherapy treatments had just occurred and her immune system wasn't up to the challenge of walking around the hospital unprotected. So the nurses gave her a pink surgical mask to match her pink pajamas.

Then her eyes met mine. And she smiled through the mask.

Her life will affect more than most. Her death maybe even a greater number. I don't know. But she smiled. She has hope.

There a thousand more stories like this. Ones that seem to be hopeless but on closer inspection there is always a glimmer, a pinprick of light. Like the smile of a girl. Or the gentleness of a family in the slums of Kolkuta. Maybe even the generosity of a Moroccan man who sees five Americans in a part of the city which is known for violence and leads them to a safer spot, shows them a place to eat, and then disappears. Even in the difficultly of adjusting and living in two different cultures within the span of one year. Or even in human existence. Research it sometime, human existance is a statistical anamoly.

These stories point to something more. Something that compells people to pass on hope to others. To give others a reason to fight, to move forward, and to love.

I think its some mystical being. An ineffable essence which permiates all aspects of this world; God.

Me+God

2008-08-08T08:30:00.000-07:00

I was reading a friends post and I came across something; a sentence that started Me+God. The phrase got me thinking. I just returned from a trip to Wyoming. It was filled with hiking, kayaking, and some quality family time (along with a rodeo). But while I could say it was an experience of Me+God+Hiking+Mountains etc. it feels better to me to say God+Me. That simple change in order speaks volumes about what I feel when I'm out there. I see God. And that's why I say God+Me. I'm in his territory. Area that God entrusted to us to take care of.

Oh and PS this is also from a friends site (sorry im stealing it Katrina). It gives a bit of insight into what the God I'm talking about above actually is:

"I feel, however, how resistance is growing within me against everything "religious" - almost to an istinctive abhorrence - which is certainly not good, either. I am not of a religious nature. But I must continue to think of God and Christ. I place a lot of value on genuineness, on life, on freedom, and on mercy. It's just that I find the religious clothing so uncomfortable".

Dietrich Bonhoeffer (from 'I want to live these days with You')

A Might Be Good Story

2008-07-19T18:49:00.001-07:00

Entry into my journal I thought would be fun to share with some friends I know, but everyone who reads this is also more than welcome to enjoy:
October 14, 2007

I'm sitting in the rail station in Fes, Morocco right now. I know, how crazy is that? Our trip has been ridiculous. In a good way though. It began with a bus schedule out of Sevilla which was incorrect. Great start huh? We got up at 7:30Am and went to the bus stop at 8:30. Found out our bus didnt leave for another hour. FANTASTIC. But we rolled with it. We got on our bus and headed down to Algecerias to catch a ferry to Tangier. WE got to Algecerias 3 1/2 hrs later and found out that the ferries cost 70 euros each. Ouch. But still ok. We paid the euros and jumped on the ferry.

Oh and I forgot. We met an American on the bus. One of the most annoying guys ever. His second question was whether or not we could smoke hash on the bus. But we also met an extremely helpful Moroccan man. His name was Mohammad. He spoke 4 or 5 different languages. Absolutely amazing and makes me feel like an idiot. Me who only speaks a language and part of another...I really need to try harder at this Spanish thing.

So anyway, back to this ferry. We got on after a bit of a cringe because of the cost. Once inside we had to wait through the customs line to get our passport stamped. That took a good 30 minutes. By this time we were hungry (little did we know that this problem would be one of the main ones of the trip: "Where do we find food??"). So we ate our bocadillos. The ferry ride was incredible after that. We went off onto the deck outside and chilled, too pictures, and talked....

Back up again though. The ferry didn't leave until 2 hrs past the point it was supposed to leave. That made it ~3:30 PM Spain time. Thankfully that is only 1:30 Moroccan time. So we still have plenty of time to make our train in Morocco. But here's the thing. Two modes of transportation down. Two modes of transportation which were late. So far, so good.

So now we are in Tangier. We need to find a place to change money, to ask directions to the train station, and figure out if we can walk to the train or if we have to catch a cab. Also this is where I'm supposed to "take care" of all these women with me. So now I have the voice of our director, Leslie, in my head telling me that if anything happens down here its basically my fault. No pressure right?

We get to the information desk at Tangier and its all women. The group of us talk and the girls decide to chat with these information women. Already I would have been lost without the people im supposed to be "protecting". The ladies at the desk let us know where to change money and also say we need to catch a cab to get the to train station.

After changing money we all pile into one cab, because we're not supposed to split up, and head to the train station. When we arrive there we find mass chaos with cops trying to keep order. "What is this?!?!" was the question we were all asking. So we decided to get out of the taxi (good idea???), pay the man, and figure out our train situation. Enter helpful Moroccan man numero dos. This guy just started talking to us randomly. And he know perfect English. What?!? He helped us navigate the mob out side of the station. With his help we pushed our way in. Then I saw the line, or lack thereof, for the tickets. It definitely was not a line but a mob of men all screaming for a ticket to Fes. Wow. And I have to get in in that mob??? Fantastic. Well i did what I had to and joined the mob...very awkwardly. The only white guy in a group of Moroccan men tends to stand out. We've got some good pictures.

Eventually the cops came by and started yelling at us to get into a line. That gradually happened, although it was a very tightly packed line without any personal space...whatsoever. I went through this line and got the tickets (helpful Moroccan guy numero dos was a huge help during this process as well). They ended up costing 487 DH. Not bad. Not quite 10 euros a piece.

The next step is to get on the train. Problem is the mob which was previously in front of the ticket booth has moved residences to the area surrounding the doors leading onto the loading platform. And its grown. 200 angry, hungry Moroccan residents who have not eaten all day...or for the last month, does not lead to anything good. They were banging on the windows and whistling/yelling at the cops who were holding the doors shut. Eventually the mob won and broke one of the doors by ripping one of the handles clear off its hinges, forcing themselves out on the patio; most then began sprinting for the train.

Needless to say while this was all happening we were in the back of the crowd without a clue of what to do...and be logical beings we just decided to roll with it and force ourselves towards the only door available to the 1000 (yes it increased in the last few seconds) people flooding out towards the train. Somehow we found ourselves outside. By half running half walking to the last car, we miraculously we found seats available next to some Moroccan people. We all sat down...a bit stunned over what just had occurred.

And then I thought seriously about what we had just done. We're on a Moroccan train, about to embark on a five hour train ride to a city called Fez...yes, we are insane :).

Theres the first entry I made. The others will come later :).

Your Thoughts

2008-07-12T19:27:00.000-07:00

Ive got a theme to talk about for whomever randomly reads this blog....and seriously, I want to hear answers. Ill give mine later on if I get some, but I need some time to think it through.

What are your thoughts about the political system in this country? How bout the educational system?

What do you think when you hear that the majority of the enlisted soldiers in the army are from the poorest neighborhoods? These men and women are fighting for a country that abandoned them when they were at their lowest points...but yet they still fight.

Is there hope?

Is it wrong to believe that what the Taliban taught and what Hussein implemented needed to be stopped?...and still need to be stopped?

...is anyone else disillusioned with the hatred of the iraqi war, with the new "environmental" movement, and all the other subjects that are thrown around in "educated" circles?

Sometimes I think the educated aren't the ones found in universities but those found in the streets honestly making a difference. They seem to "get it" more than the majority of those found in universities.

Or the ones standing up for something they believe in instead of just debating. The quiet ones who don't jump up to make themselves known, but the ones who act and allow their passion and lifestyle to speak. They radiate difference.

Anyway, comment a bit on this stuff. To me it seems to be the basic foundation of how people think and what they believe. I'll write more later.

My Meaningless Meandering

2008-06-22T20:46:00.000-07:00

Thoughts. I nearly always have something to write about. The thing is, I don't always want the entire world to know what I'm thinking.

I've been watching this show. It's about faces; about how the entire world is working to put on a face so we can "fit in".

And that universal quality of "fitting in" has elicited certain questions from me. One being why I feel so completely different while I'm around other people. I feel outside the majority of the time. And, yeah, this sounds like a pity plea, but its not. The last thing I want is pity. Nor do I want to sound above others at any point, that is never my purpose. I really just want to understand why people do the things they do. And maybe that is why I feel so distant.

I can never allow myself to just do something. I over analyze maybe, or it could be that I just think to much in general. But I always want to know motive.

Another such question is why do people drink as much as they do? Sure its fun...to a point. But even then, if it is so fun, why feel the need to defend yourself about it? I have come across people, that when I say I don't drink much, they feel the need to explain themselves and their drinking habits.
Like I am judging them.
But I'm not.
In fact the majority of the time I feel as if I have to explain myself; giving reasons why I don't drink heavily. I mean, lets face it, I'm in the minority.
And then when I say I don't drink a lot I'm left with people looking at me like I'm stupid. Like I don't know what I'm doing. Like I'm a child who needs to wake up.
But I am awake, and to be honest I think I might be a little more awake than others in this area. But thats not for me to decide.
And none of this is to say I'm against drinking. Just the opposite, I think a few beers, a glass of wine, or some liquor can help facilitate a good conversation or a legit chill time with some friends. But overdoing it is what I don't get. Why does it have to be the thing that people look forward to?

And this is just scratching the surface of questions I have....

My Songs

2008-05-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

Alright. Finals are over, life is slowing down....and im not sure I like it. Although i was stressed during finals I look back and realize I liked it. In fact, its weird to not have the pressure anymore. I dont know what to do with myself. So ive resorted to work and sitting around watching crappy tv movies. Somehow not the same....

Anyway, Im trying to find good music to write to. And I keep falling back to three songs. The first one is I am no Superman by Lazlo Bane. Fantastic song. And if youve ever watched Scrubs youve heard part of it. And the main theme throughout the song is the fact that "I cant do this all on my own". In fact, one of the reasons why I love scrubs so much is because of that same theme. The fact that we cant do life on our own.

The second song is one from the movie Transformers. I know, kinda cheesy right? But its a good song called Before its to Late. Its about being who you are. How thats all we need in our lives. About taking risks. "A life you dont live is still lost...so live like you mean it, love till you feel it, its all we need in our lives". Somehow that resonates with me. On a level deeper then well written lyrics.

The third song is Boston by Augustana. This song has been a quality song in my life for a while. Ever since about this time last year when I first "discovered" it. And at one point in the song it says "I think I need a new town, to leave all this behind... I think I need a sunrise, Im tired of the sunset...". Change. My life has revolved around this theme of change. Change in perspective, change in surroundings. Change in this being I consider God, who, according to what Ive been taught, isnt supposed to change.

But thats not the only reason I like these songs. Each one of them reminds me a places, or times. It brings back amazing memories of some of the best highlights over the past year. The first one, reminds me of the last few months. Of Spain and the time after. The second, of the beginning of last summer. And the third. Of that renewing time I had in WA last summer on a little island called Whidbey. When I went to see Transformers with a good friend.

But back to those themes. Change. Not being able to live life on ones own. Taking risks. I know that all these things have been said before. That people have given speeches, lectures, and had coffee over these kinda topics, and that anything I could say about them has already been said. So I wont say anything more. Other than each of these is necessary. Figure it out on your own. Discover what change is, who you can lean on, and where your risks are. Be independent…but be dependent at the same time. Confidence and vulnerability can go together. And be patient. Give your life time. Not everything happens at the speed of sound.

His Last Lecture

2008-04-09T20:02:00.000-07:00

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5700431505846055184

Watch it. absolutely amazing. But its a bit long. So find somewhere comfortable to sit, drink coffee, and watch an amazing lecture by a extremely unique guy.

Sorry if yall dont like lectures. but really this is good.

No, but seriously, its good. Watch it.

Miralo.

My Grace and Peace

2008-03-23T07:47:00.000-07:00

God I dont understand this, but on the other side its going to advance the grace and peace of Christ....

My Freedom

2008-03-10T21:18:00.000-07:00

Im just going to write a journal entry in here. I doubt many people actually read this "blog" part without me uploading it to facebook. But if you do, let me know what your thoughts are on this. Its a bit discombobulated. But thats how my thoughts are most of the time(Im gonna try it all in caps. cuz thats how I write):

I DONT EVEN REMEMBER MY QUESTION ANYMORE. EVERY TIME I WATCH SOMETHING LIKE "INTO THE WILD" IT LEAVES THE SAME HAUNTING FEELING. THE UNQUENCED DESIRE FOR A PLACE WITHOUT BOUNDS. TO FIND MYSELF AND TO SEARCH OUTSIDE THE CONFINES OF SOCIETY. TO FIND LOVE IN A PLACE IT ISN'T LOOKED FOR. TO DISCOVER PURPOSE IN A LIFE WITHOUT OBLIGATIONS.

DOES THE WORLD NEED PEOPLE WHO ARE HAPPY, FREE, AND LOVING? OR IS THE WORLD MORE IN NEED OF PEOPLE WHO WILL FORSAKE SUCH THINGS IN ORDER TO FIND A WAY TO DO THEIR PART IN "FIXING" THE WORLD?

OR IS ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE FREE A WAY OF FIXING THE WORLD?

DOES COMPLETELY DISENGAGING SOCIETY HELP? IS LIVING TO FIND YOURSELF WHAT WE ARE CREATED TO DO? OR ARE WE CREATED TO FALL IN STEP WITH SOCIETY AND TRY TO CHANGE IT FROM THE INSIDE OUT?

IS LIVING FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS A WAY OF CHANGING IT FROM THE INSIDE OUT?

DO WE DENY THE WAY OF SOCIETY IN ITS TOTALITY TO LIVE A LIFE OF TRUE DISCOVERY AND FREEDOM? CAN ONE FIND SUCH THINGS WITHIN SOCIETY?

DO I FORSAKE MY DESIRE TO RUN FREE FOR A LIFE FULL OF OBLIGATIONS, DEADLINES, AND "ASSIGNMENTS" WHICH DON'T MATTER?

WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT: FREEDOM OR STABILITY? FREEDOM OR LIFE FULL OF DEMANDS?

AND WOULD TRUELY LIVING FOR YOURSELF REALLY BE LIVING FOR OTHERS AS WELL?

My Thoughts...

2008-03-08T21:02:00.000-08:00

Relationships.

So Im addicted to Scrubs. You know, that fantasticly funny TV show. And for anyone thats watched four seasons in three weeks, or just a few shows here and there, you know that the majority of the episodes are about relationships.

That being true, and the fact that the former said person who has seen four seasons in three weeks is myself, I have a legitimate reason for thinking about relationships.

And Im not talking just about romantic stuff. But Im talking about everything from romantic, to going to the graveyard to talk to a parent who has passed away.

And there are times where I wish I could explain my thoughts through TV. Because it would be so much easier to capture thoughts. But maybe just a song. Yeah, that might work.

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
It's just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away

So relationships take getting into. They take time, committment and sacrifice. And especially opening up. Giving yourself to someone. But thats where I get caught up. And where I worry over the situations and the implications and the complications. And then I cant get to sleep.

Maybe you just have to jump into it all at once and not worry about what is going to happen. And maybe sometimes you have to take off all the restraints and let what happens happen.

this post would be so much easier if it was narrated and played out through a story.....dang.

Yeah...more on Spain.

2008-02-26T19:13:00.000-08:00

So I say I love Spain. And I say I love spanish. That I love spanish culture.

And I do.

And there are great things about spanish culture. Like siesta....and tapas(minus the ham legs)
...and relational living (at least a little more so than the US), and chocolate, and churros, and...well i think you get the point.

Yet I was writting today. And I starting thinking about Spain again. And my desire to go back. And I asked myself "would it be the same?"....

And the answer is no.

When I think of Sevilla I think of friends. I think of David, Dave Ligtenberg, Steve, Margi, Catita, Jip, Brit, Monica, and everyone else from the program. If I were to go back none of them would be there. And with that being true, would I really enjoy myself as much?

And when I think "Spain" I remember experiences like Morroco, El Camino de Santiago, Portugal* and just living in Sevilla.

What I dont remember, or rather, what I might down-play, where the hardships and frustrations. The inability to speak. The feeling of not having a home....but those even had their place. They also made the experience, and my life there, what it was. Without those hardships I wouldnt have had the experience which I had.

So that being said, I think I associate Spain, and therefore my love for Spain, with the people and experiences I had there. Which isnt wrong. We all do it, with nearly every period of our life.

So the next big question is whether or not my love for Spanish and Spain and anything having to do with either...my passion for this thing called "spanish culture"...is actually a way of me living in the past. Of just remembering.

This got me thinking about "living in the past", which regardless of my love for and experiences/life in Spain means, I have been doing. And its not what we were created to do. The past is beautiful, and memories are some of the most amazing and "good" things we can ever have. They give us joy, peace, happiness, understanding, and so much more. But to live in those memories, to idolize those memories, is the same as idolizing anything else.

And I guess only time will tell. I still throughly enjoy speaking spanish, even if I dont throughly enjoy my class here. And Im excited to see what will happen if I continue with Spanish on the acedemic level. And what doors it will open up. Hopefully many.

But thats enough for now. Sorry if this post is confusing.

*That picture is from a place called Sagres in Portugal. That night was one of the best I had while in Spain. Sagres is one of the places considered "the end of the world" by the ancient Europeans. And when you stand on the beach there and look out over the ocean, listening ot the waves and staring, you can tell why they felt that way. I probably did that for a goo 45 minutes. Followed by some star gazing which lasted another 30 minutes. And amazing, spiritual (cuz everythings spiritual right?) place. Anyway, for anyone going to Spain soon, I highly recommend a trip to Lagos, and then Sagres. Both places are quite amazing. And try hitting Sagres at sunset. Nothing like being at the end of the world at sunset...

Back at it

2008-02-23T20:29:00.000-08:00

So over the past two months Ive been trying to readjust to this "american" lifestyle.*

Right.

Actually I think Ive been avoiding reengaging in the "real" world. (Im enjoying my quotations today). You know, the whole going away for a semester. Living a life of no real obligations other than school. Hanging out with friends. Making new friends. Living in Spain. Traveling. Growing. Changing (and yes, in relation to an earlier post, I think I did change). Learning.

Making memories.

And now my task is to try and take everything Ive learned and use/incorporate it into my life in Grand Rapids, MI. Daunting. And not quite as easy as I assumed when I left Spain. Especially when you return to this:**

And so far all I have been able to accomplish is rediscovering how to study. Cuz, Lord knows, I did barely none of that in Spain. At least not the sit down and memorize/look over notes kind. The studying in Spain was more.....well it was more like living. So now that I have rediscovered how to study, evidenced by my four hours of said activity today in the anatomy lab, maybe Ill have some more time to figure out what it means to not enjoy the fast past of american lifestyle, and yet be part of this culture.

How to I incorporate "siesta" into this? Anyone have an answer to that?
Granted I have incorporated it. But Ive had time. Once I buscar a job thats going to become slightly more difficult. So what do I do? Live my life the way I think I should, with some time aside each day, to pray/nap/journal/do whatever it is you feel like doing that day, or do I give that up so I can make more money more quickly?

So, theres one of many questions I have now that I have time to sit down and look back over India, last spring semester and summer (with all that entails, including Washington), and Spain, Morroco, and Portugal. Ive grown, thats for sure. And Ive changed. And my desires have changed. My view on God has changed. My relationship with him has changed. I am honestly a new person....and all I have to show for it is a rediscovery of how to study.
!Que frustrando!

*Ok, so I didnt mean I havent had to switch back over to the "american" lifestyle. I have had to, and am still trying to. Its been waaaaay harder than I thought it would be. Leslie, the director in Spain, said that those looking forward to getting back to the US most will most likely end up missing Spain the most. Case in point: Me. I think when you "look forward" to getting back somehwere as much as I did, you begin to idolize it in a way. Makes getting back a bit dissapointing. Woops. Anyway, that to say I miss Spain and the lifestyle. Its true.

**Thats a month straight of no sun. 30 days. No, thats not a mistype. 30 freaking days of clouds, snow, and blizzards. And my car has no heat. Daaaammmmnnnn thats cold. Not to mention depressing.

La Luna

2008-02-20T19:01:00.000-08:00

My parents left for Florida tonight. So now im back at their house. I havent been back here, to sleep, since I got back from Spain. But thats not what Im talking about.

There's a lunar eclipse tonight. I tried to take a picture of it. Didnt work out so well. But its pretty amazing to watch. Humbling actually. Humbling to know Im a part of that shadow that is on the moon right now. That creation is so much greater than what we see on earth. That there are places out there humans havent even laid eyes on. Places untouched by what we call "sin". I could sit here, watching this moon, for hours. I dont know why. Something about it is calming. And I could talk about the processes and what not that make this happen. But why? Why not just look up and say thank you.

Same with the mountains. Or the ocean.
Or a sunset. Or how bout both?

Gracias Dios por adorarnos.

oh and yes, i did take those pictures. Well, at least the terrestrial ones.

Im not to good at titles....

2008-02-19T14:42:00.000-08:00

A few days ago I realized something. I was reading a conversation between my Dad and I on Skype and he wrote something to me. He said "I hope Morroco was a blast."

I've been to Morroco. I've lived in Spain. I traveled to India and I spent some time studying in Washington. Along those lines I've spent two weekends in Portugal, along the ocean, in a city named Lagos. All of this in the last year.

And now I'm back in Michigan. Suffice it to say I've lived through a good deal of change in the past year, and I've experienced quite a few different cultures. Each culture has its own way of doing things. Spain is slow, relaxed. The people there enjoy their time together, and they value it. In India the people shake their heads in the exact same manner, whether they are saying no, or yes. Portugal...well I didnt experience much of the actual culture there, but I had a blast with some friends on the roof of an apartment building. And Morroco. What a unique country, and that weekend was one of the biggest adventures of my life (inside of the biggest adventure, namely Spain).

So, with all these experiences, I've obviously changed. But how do I incorporate that change into my life? Is it possible to take ideas and ways of living from other cultures and incorporate them into the old lifestyle you once had? Is it even possilbe, after this type of experience, to have that old lifestyle? To go back to the place you left and make a difference?

Its been two months. Little more. And I have no idea as to what the answer to those questions are. I can say it feels as if I have been a miserable failure in trying to change an old lifestyle. So, I felt "change" in Spain. I thought I had changed. But, really, did I?

oh and ps....you should all read "The Shack". Lots of interesting ideas about God and our relationship to him. But its a story. and, at least for me, I work better with stories.